How Scrum inspired me to improve our family life
Did you ever hear or read those stories about Agile/Scrum enthusiasts who not only used Scrum at work, but went as far as to adopt this way of working at home? They make a family backlog, plan their weekly sprint together, and have a daily scrum at breakfast. And did you also frown upon such stories because they seemed a bit far-fetched? I did, for sure, let’s be honest about that.
But as I got a bit older and wiser, I started to realize that there are certain similarities between work and private life, at least for me. And I guess I’m not alone on this one. Take a look, for instance, at the Scrum values: commitment, courage, focus, openness, and respect. Thinking of my family, I can clearly identify with these values and their relevance to our living happily together under one roof. And although I don’t want to go as far as to call our family a Scrum team, we are a team for sure. (I haven’t figured out yet who the Product Owner is, by the way —that could be another story…)
Meet the team
Let me quickly introduce my family. During the week, me my wife and I have the house to ourselves. On the weekends, my daughter and son come over, both teenagers in the throes of puberty. Sometimes, my wife’s daughter comes over, and then it’s really a full house. So yes, a mixed household with old and new family ties. As you can imagine, it has been quite an adventure building a new household.
From the start of our new relationship, my wife and I have been very much aware of our challenge. We have been making a significant effort to make our new family setting work for everybody. Reading books on parenting, talking to other parents in similar circumstances, and having deep late-night conversations to make sense of what happened during the day when we got into trouble. It takes plenty of love, patience, and understanding from everybody involved, especially from the parents. As a parent, I think you have a moral responsibility to make things work, for better and for worse.
The initial phase was a bit bumpy when everybody had to get used to each other and get to grips with the new situation. Spending time together in an amusement park is all quite well, and a fun way to get acquainted. But living together in an apartment and finding out about each other’s peculiar habits and funny moods is something else. The simplest routines can become a surprise at best or a major annoyance at worst: where to put your wet towel after taking a shower, cleaning up in the kitchen, borrowing each other’s stuff, where did the laundry go, etc.
Of course, we’re all different individuals, each with their own values, principles, beliefs, and behavior. You could reason that it’s actually a miracle if it does work out at all. Luckily, we found a way to live together that seemed to work out well. We learned how to communicate to keep the household going and have some fun, too.
However, after a while, I felt that we had reached some sub-optimal situation. It seemed to me that there was still room for improvement, to make all of us happier with less effort. As the linking pin between my teenage kids and my wife, I felt I had become the man in the middle, often liaising between both sides in case of misunderstandings or rising frustrations.
From idea to action
It so happens that, in my work as a Scrum Master, my primary job is to help teams work well together. I invest in creating a safe place to be open in communication, learn from experience, and effectively deal with change and adapt to new insights. My focus is always on continuous improvement and learning. So I started wondering if and how I could put my work practices to good use at home. I quickly realized we should do a retrospective: looking back together, sharing insights, and identifying some improvement actions.
Homework
Experienced Scrum teams are comfortable running retrospectives. They will grab some pens and Post-its, start writing, and then have a constructive discussion together. I couldn’t see that happening with my family just yet. So I came up with some simple homework exercises for all of us to come prepared to the kitchen table. I divided a piece of paper into three sections to address the following topics:
- Which values are important to you in our family life together?
- What do you like about our family life?
- What would you like to change or try out?
For the first question, I had provided a set of value cards to make it easier for them. I made a selection from a values card game that I once bought for coaching sessions. Some relevant values I selected include, for example, FUN, OPENNESS, FREEDOM, TOGETHERNESS, SAFETY, etc. I’d made sure there were plenty of values to choose from that were relevant to family life.
To test my plan, I decided to let my son go first, to try out my approach. As a teenager who would spend hours gaming and sleeping, he’d be the least motivated to do this preparation exercise, I thought. I stopped by his room, a bit nervous, to be honest, and explained to him the purpose of the exercise. He just nodded and told me he would give it a try later. Quite relieved about this first small success, I went downstairs and started filling out my own form. Much to my surprise, my son came downstairs within the hour, handing me his form, which he had fully completed! I was in total shock from his quick execution. He even mentioned it was pretty fun to do, actually. This looked very promising now! So my daughter and wife were up next to do their homework too.
Actually, my wife was the most skeptical about holding this family retrospective. She feared the conversation could very well turn into a heated debate. And she was wondering if everybody would be able and willing to really open up to each other and hear each other’s viewpoints. So I took the time to explain my approach to her in a bit more detail, also emphasizing my experience as a scrum master to create a safe environment for all of us to talk freely. Luckily, she trusted me on this one.
The conversation
With all our busy schedules, it was a challenge to find a free evening to have our pow-wow at the kitchen table, but 2 weeks later, it was finally going to happen.
The first thing I noticed was the atmosphere in the room right before the session. We were cleaning up after dinner, everybody was getting ready, bringing their homework form. Already in that moment, I noticed a calm, peaceful mood settling in, as if everyone was tuning in to each other. And we hadn’t even started…
Values
The opening round was about the values. Everybody got to talk about what mattered most to them in our family setting. This was quite insightful, because it was the first time we spoke so deeply about this. So I learned that SPACE was an essential value for my son. He very much liked being in his room, being left alone, and having the freedom to play games, listen to music, and do homework, all at his own convenience. It helped me let go of my judgment that he was spending so much time alone. He needed it and liked it!
After we all shared our essential values, we checked which values we had in common. There were only a few matches, so it was good to realize that even more, we all had different needs.
Keep what’s good
The second round was nice too; it was very empowering to share what each of us liked in how we are organized and how we interact. It’s also very lovely as a parent to get some positive confirmation at times.
Looking for improvements
The third round was the most insightful. We took turns discussing the ideas and suggestions. It was about very practical stuff (like cooking together more), but also about communication and engaging in conversations. I was very proud of my kids for how they participated in the discussion with my wife and me. Everybody was open to hearing each other out, asking questions, considering suggestions, and finding solutions that worked for all of us. There was no heated debate; just open conversations that increased our mutual understanding.
The biggest surprise was for me. I had been very preoccupied with preparing for this session and making sure everybody was doing well. But I had forgotten I was a participant too. Both of my kids had some good feedback for me — suggestions on what I could do differently as their dad, not constantly checking their school grades, for instance, or intervening less when they argued. I was grateful they gave me some constructive feedback to work with.
The outcome
Looking back, this family retrospective was a great way to invest in our family. Instead of only dealing with ad-hoc issues, we now invest in evaluating our complex family household together, talking about expectations, what went well, and what we want to improve. Setting the scene and providing homework to prepare have been essential to making this work.
Since this family retrospective, everybody has experienced that our relationships have improved. There is more mutual understanding, and last but not least, we talk about important stuff much more frequently. It’s become easier to address sensitive topics because we’ve built trust in our communication. I’m very pleased and proud of this outcome.